I dont think you are really aware of the FULL truth with the married man you are involved with. Clingy, needy, jealous, insecure, suspicious - these are all RED FLAGS. Remember, people are always on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship (even through the first few years). If this is his best behavior, it is going to get worse.
Also, he expects you to commit all your time and energy to him, yet he is estranged from his wife. He has not committed anything to you, but wants you for himself. Providing you with things you value ("family things", being helpful and handy), is his way of securing your emotional attachment to him. He is codependent. Interesting that he "appeared financially well off", but when it comes down to it, YOU are the responsible party.
You dont seem to be in love with the married man, it sounds like you feel emotionally obligated to him. He has done a good job securing your loyalty through guilt. I understand that you would have to work hard to afford rent, possibly you could talk to your landlord, get out of your lease and get something less expensive - or ask for a reduction in the rent. Is "man A"s name on the lease, or are you the only one (Another red flag.)
You are better off knowing you are okay by yourself.
Your EX is your EX for a reason. Time and distance have a way of distorting reality. The simple fact is that he is putting conditions on you (you must be on your own and stable for at least.... before Ill be involved with you) which is a control tactic. Dont be afraid to listen to your inner voice, take some time away from relationships and recognize the similiarities between these men. They both view you as someone who needs to be controlled, someone who needs to prove your love to them. Thats not love, its possession and control.
(There is no "unconditional love" between a man and a woman - that kind of love only occurs in parent/child relationships. If you reread the paragraph above - or your own- you will see that his love is VERY conditional.)
You will never forget about your ex, but that doesnt mean that you are meant to be with him. ("Acting like a happy couple" after many counseling sessions is very different than being a happy couple.)
Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself and your son. Just the fact that you are asking these questions means you know that neither situation is right.
You are looking for a beacon of light in the storm; That light can come from within... Listen to your inner voice & trust yourself.
You said:
"Just looking for some friendly relationship/life advice. Below is a description of my situation. If youd like, email me with what YOU would do if you were in my shoes. Many thanks and much appreciation for doing so, this helps me get perspective.
I am currently in a relationship with a great man who is astranged from his wife and kids (on the mainland) and is trying to make it work here on Maui He has no full time job, but is handy in a lot of ways and very helpful in general. He is also a bit clingy to me and is unsure of himself and scared that I will cheat on him. His philosophy is that he needs to provide for the woman of his dreams (me) and make me happy. Everything I want to do apart from him is distabilizing for him and he grows suspicious. He wants to spend all this time with me, and I feel smothered.
My ex, whom I have a child with, has expressed that he wants me back in his life but needs to see me stable and on my own for awhile before jumping back in. We have a checkered past relationship and have generally hurt each other more than two people are supposed to, but we love each other unconditionally despite all of that. He is the opposite in regards to space, wanting to take time to do his own thing often and encouraging me to do the same. We have definitely had our ups and downs but I still think of him and wish we had worked it out. Many counseling sessions are needed to talk about some sensitive issues before we could act like a happy couple.
In the meantime, I am struggling financially and find it hard to live on my own in Maui. Besides feeling really ready to be in a happy relationship, one of the attraction factors of the man I am currently with was that he appeared financially well-off when we first met and fell in love. It wasnt until we moved in together that he started struggling to find work and we have had to depend on each other. If I were to live on my own and stay where I am, almost all of my paycheck would go towards rent. I would have to work weekends and have less time for myself and my son besides not having the emotional support of someone there for me. Since being with man A, I have enjoyed many family things and have generally been happy, the only thing that seems to come between us is the fact that I dont feel like Im getting the space I need and I still have feelings for my ex. Should I: a) continue my relationship with man A, and forget about my ex, making compromises and asking he do the same in regards to time apart, or b) ask him to move out, get a weekend job and be poor, and go to counseling with my ex, hoping that eventually we forgive each other for the past and can be truly happy together as a family. Again, I am very thankful for your time spend reading and any advice you can give me on the subject."
Location: Maui
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